A TBP Classic: "Why, Specifically, I Don't Like Baseball"

I really should have called it "Why, Specifically, I Don't Like Baseball On The Radio"

First published March 31, 2004. I really don’t hate baseball, for the record. Eamus catuli and all that.

(Photo credit: "Women munitions workers play a game of baseball at the John Inglis Co. Bren gun plant. / Des ouvrières affectées aux munitions jouent une partie de baseball à l'usine de fusils-mitrailleurs Bren de la John Inglis Co" by BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives is marked with CC BY 2.0. To view the terms, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/?ref=openverse)

In honor of the first offical baseball game of the season. leaving us with only 5,183 more games until the playoffs (all of which will be on the radio while I’m hoping to hear something else), I present you with a brief essay, already seen by many, entitled:

“WHY, SPECIFICALLY, I DON’T LIKE BASEBALL”

” . . . swing, and he fouls that one down the line. Lopez is batting .343 over the last 12 games, but for the season he’s only .217 against divorced left-handed pitchers with at least one Slavic grandparent. Count is 3-2, here’s the pitch and he fouls it back to the backstop.

“Tonight is Staples Office Supplies Protractor Night here at UniComOne Solutions Ballpark, and I see lots of fans with those shiny bits of red plastic. First 12,000 kids under the age of 13 got a free protractor with a paid adult admission tonight.

“Grodzniak’s in his stance aaaand . . . he fires it over to first, trying to keep speedy Jimmy MacVicar honest. Vic’s stolen three bases already this season, but only during day games when the temperature at game time was 75 degrees or cooler. I bet you fans didn’t know THAT. Here’s the pitch . . . and it’s in the dirt, so Lopez takes his base. Two men on, one man out, and it’s 1-0 here in the top of the 6th, in favor of the visiting Wichita Poltroons.

“Now, here comes Hank Hickenlooper out of the dugout, and that’s all she wrote for Grodzniak. Call it five and one-third innings for him, six hits, including that screamer he gave up to Johansen in the 4th, eight walks now with Lopez on base, and with those numbers, it’s a miracle the Hermit Crabs are only down one.

“Hick’s motioning for Javier Ochoa to come out of the bullpen, and that means that Berniece Franklin of Trumbull Heights is our winner in the UniComOne Solutions “First Call” contest. Berniece, you’ll be getting $20 off your first month’s service when you activate a new UniComOne Solutions wireless account, or $10 off your next bill if you’re a current UniComOne customer.

“While Ochoa is taking his warmup pitches, we’d like to extend a special greeting to the good folks from the National Federation of Society Associations who are here taking in tonight’s game. Ochoa will be facing Hercules Adams, who’s been on a hot roll since getting called up from the Gadsden Bottle Flies. He’s been hitting .310, with an on-base percentage of .508, but what’s really interesting is that his slugging percentage is .840 with runners in scoring position and a redhead on the cover of that particular month’s Maxim. Ochoa’s ready, he delivers aaand . . .”

*crack*

“. . . that one is jusssssssst foul, down the third-base line. Folks, for the finest in aluminum foil, it’s Shari’s House of Non-Precious Metals . . .”